My blog has been sporadic at best. My first posts were written with such intention and purpose and then so suddenly I fell away from writing. Work, school, responsibilities consumed my life and I left little time for reflection and writing. Now that I have come back and wish to create again it has been so difficult to begin. I’ve stared at the page over and over again, trying to will a post to appear. What do I say after two years? How do I jump back into the conversation?
What an analogy this has been in my walk with the Lord. After what seems like months of radio silence in my soul and sporadic prayers, here I am trying to restart the conversation. I’ve never lost faith, but I have lost touch. I’ve traded what I want most for what I want now and allowed the most important relationship in life to be overrun with meetings, friends, work, family, entertainment, and rest. None of those things are necessarily bad but when put in a place of priority above God, they become a special type of cancer. This spiritual cancer has inundated my heart and ruled my life for longer than I should have allowed. It has changed so much and now, on the road to recovery, I must pick up the pieces and begin anew.
I like to be in control, and I like to be right. These tendencies in my personality have now been challenged as I give up control to the God of the universe and relinquish my facade of power and correctness to be corrected and molded by Him who made me. I have been reading Psalm 51 the last few days and it has spoken volumes to me. Verse 17: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” and verse 12: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit” have been my plea, my prayer, and my inspiration. I have let go of the joy of salvation and desperately want to get back to that place where I am filled with gratitude and joy for Christ’s work in my life. I am also reassured by David’s words in verse 17. God redeems us and if I approach him sincerely repenting and seeking a restored relationship, He will be faithful in His response.
I hope that in sharing my journey, I may be a comfort to you as well. We have all fallen short of the life that we ought to live. We have all placed things of the this earth and this life above our Holy Heavenly Lord. But we are all welcomed back if we believe in Christ and in His salvation. You are not alone in your journey, and you are not forgotten.
Psalm 51To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.1 Have mercy on me, O God,according to your steadfast love;according to your abundant mercyblot out my transgressions.2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,and cleanse me from my sin!3 For I know my transgressions,and my sin is ever before me.4 Against you, you only, have I sinnedand done what is evil in your sight,so that you may be justified in your wordsand blameless in your judgment.5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,and in sin did my mother conceive me.6Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.8Let me hear joy and gladness;let the bones that you have broken rejoice.9 Hide your face from my sins,and blot out all my iniquities.10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,and renew a right spirit within me.11 Cast me not away from your presence,and take not your Holy Spirit from me.12Restore to me the joy of your salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit.13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,and sinners will return to you.14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,O God of my salvation,and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.15O Lord, open my lips,and my mouth will declare your praise.16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;build up the walls of Jerusalem;19then will you delight in right sacrifices,in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;then bulls will be offered on your altar.Holy Bible, ESV